Albums are graded on a five-point scale of "Awful-Eh-Good-Great-Classic". I'm highly biased, so don't take it too seriously. Most of these come from my own collection, so the grades skew rather high. Your results may vary if you send me stuff to review.

Each album is given three Essential tracks, my personal favorites, regardless of how weird and inconsequential they are. The Quintessential pick is the one I think best represents the album as a whole, so you can try one song instead of a whole album of songs. Non-Essential picks range from merely disappointing to outright unlistenable.

Wolf Parade

[#] Apologies to the Queen Mary (2005)

Apologies to anyone who bought this record.

Reviewed September 3, 2018

I'd wager that Pitchfork does it for attention. Reason: this fucking thing got a 9.2/10. One of the many indie darlings to pop up about the mid-2000s, Wolf Parade are perhaps among the best reasons for the US to sever ties with Canada. Make no mistake, this is a Modest Mouse record mixed by someone without ears and sung by someone without testicles. More accurately, songwriting and vocal duties are split between Spencer Krug and Dan Boeckner, and you can count the tracks you'll like just by seeing who wrote what. I know I could.

The messy mix comes right into focus with the opener here, "You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son", with its wet, gutless drums lying right underneath the worst vocal performance of 2005 bar none, courtesy of Spencer Krug. Shrill and harsh, this man's vocals are audible herbicide. Dan Boeckner's tracks and detached Beckisms tend to land a bit better, and "Modern World" and "Shine a Light" are quite nice in spite of the awful mixing. See, his tracks are peppered throughout to make you think the record is getting better, but then you get shit like "Grounds for Divorce" (grounds to boycott Sub Pop), and we're back on our ass. Awful. I want to steal Spencer Krug's lunch money.

(Requested by honorary Somnolian sushipantsu in 2018. I later learned he told me I should review it because he knew I'd hate it. I find this review hilarious, so it gets reposted.)